26th oct 07.
This is it...... All this while i felt that i have known it all..i know all the words but it is only now that i know what it means. My definitions are changing...my ability to understand and make choices is altering. its like unwrapping a present...uncovering, unmasking... things come to us in a flash, in one moment of truth.
those were words without meaning a life without living....
i can now comprehend compassion, trust, friendship, empathy, humanity, family...
I feel the grace and i feel blessed.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Music
21st oct 07.
whats playing on my i-pod these days...............
beloved-anoushka shankar
baanwara mann- haazaron khwahishein aisi
black magic woman-santana
close to u- the carpenters
daras bina nahi chaain- saaawariya
sway- bic runga
light my fire/moonlight drive/riders in the storm- the doors
out of nothing at all-air supply
kannathil muthamital
mehraam-meenal jain
garba-raas- khelaiya
under my umbrella- rihaana
john mayer- waiting on the world to change
tina turner-simply the best
soni de nakhre-partner
stairway to heaven- led zepplin
chain of fools/ natural woman-aretha franklin
the great beyond-R.E.M
teriyaki drift- tokyo drift
lift me up-moby
the way i are/give in to me- timbaland
maula mere lele meri jaan-chak de india
vasudhevam kutumbakam-art of living
whats playing on my i-pod these days...............
beloved-anoushka shankar
baanwara mann- haazaron khwahishein aisi
black magic woman-santana
close to u- the carpenters
daras bina nahi chaain- saaawariya
sway- bic runga
light my fire/moonlight drive/riders in the storm- the doors
out of nothing at all-air supply
kannathil muthamital
mehraam-meenal jain
garba-raas- khelaiya
under my umbrella- rihaana
john mayer- waiting on the world to change
tina turner-simply the best
soni de nakhre-partner
stairway to heaven- led zepplin
chain of fools/ natural woman-aretha franklin
the great beyond-R.E.M
teriyaki drift- tokyo drift
lift me up-moby
the way i are/give in to me- timbaland
maula mere lele meri jaan-chak de india
vasudhevam kutumbakam-art of living
Analyse
13th oct 07.
How do i sit and decipher behaviour? People...they never fail to surprise me. i categorise them in certain groups from the kinds i have met before. Its funny they have similar patterns in terms of likings, human nature and thought process. its uncanny the way their choices are, their judgements and outlook is. figuring them out is an interesting activity....
But they do come back always, with a bang ...a new characterstic that is unexplored.
Exciting aint it!!!
How do i sit and decipher behaviour? People...they never fail to surprise me. i categorise them in certain groups from the kinds i have met before. Its funny they have similar patterns in terms of likings, human nature and thought process. its uncanny the way their choices are, their judgements and outlook is. figuring them out is an interesting activity....
But they do come back always, with a bang ...a new characterstic that is unexplored.
Exciting aint it!!!
Random thoughts.
29th sep 07.
I observe closely how the state of mind changes every minute.....It is simply impossible to be in the same state for a while. 'Thought is your enemy' thats what UG krishnamurthy has written, it indeed is! There is so much that keeps one pre occupied all the while. The noises in the head like they call it, is disturbing. I am learning to live with myself. Controlling the mind is like implementing a complex control system because it is so easy to switch from one mood to the other. I was trying to meditate and it felt as if i felt rapture for a second and then one thing let to another and i lost track. it began to weave stories and then there i was in the dumps again.debating,pondering irrational thoughts.......
I have searched for answers .....maybe they are in front of me and i cant follow them because i could never be good enough, smart enough, worthy enough for them. Making the same mistakes and spending the rest of the time undoing them, thats what keeps me busy.
Had read somewhere that it is only out of nothing that something can be created.... Only out of darkness can we understand light. Unless we are broken, defeated, empty and left bare we cannot create.
And Yes there are people out there....somewhere..... who think of you, pray for you, wish you well, miss you.......to someone you make a difference. Thats what makes this life worth living for.....we all crave for unconditional love and acceptance!
I observe closely how the state of mind changes every minute.....It is simply impossible to be in the same state for a while. 'Thought is your enemy' thats what UG krishnamurthy has written, it indeed is! There is so much that keeps one pre occupied all the while. The noises in the head like they call it, is disturbing. I am learning to live with myself. Controlling the mind is like implementing a complex control system because it is so easy to switch from one mood to the other. I was trying to meditate and it felt as if i felt rapture for a second and then one thing let to another and i lost track. it began to weave stories and then there i was in the dumps again.debating,pondering irrational thoughts.......
I have searched for answers .....maybe they are in front of me and i cant follow them because i could never be good enough, smart enough, worthy enough for them. Making the same mistakes and spending the rest of the time undoing them, thats what keeps me busy.
Had read somewhere that it is only out of nothing that something can be created.... Only out of darkness can we understand light. Unless we are broken, defeated, empty and left bare we cannot create.
And Yes there are people out there....somewhere..... who think of you, pray for you, wish you well, miss you.......to someone you make a difference. Thats what makes this life worth living for.....we all crave for unconditional love and acceptance!
words
words................
sway, doubt, talk, people, red, daft, surprise, books, flower, mails, eager, patience, worry, magic, weak, rhythm, drama, cold, picturesque, collage, tacit, paradox, light, depth, fresh, color, abstract, desire, vision, respect, crumble,fly, dark, bold, class, poetry, illicit, clandestine, structure, symbol, stripes, absurd, conflict, harmonics, acme, obnoxious, boredom, watever..........................
sway, doubt, talk, people, red, daft, surprise, books, flower, mails, eager, patience, worry, magic, weak, rhythm, drama, cold, picturesque, collage, tacit, paradox, light, depth, fresh, color, abstract, desire, vision, respect, crumble,fly, dark, bold, class, poetry, illicit, clandestine, structure, symbol, stripes, absurd, conflict, harmonics, acme, obnoxious, boredom, watever..........................
Comfortably numb.
18th sep 07.
Lonliess creeps in; clouding the mind,
Fear and mistrust combine....anger bubbles, rage uncontrollable.
Damn gotta start all over again.
Clear air, warm sun, green grass.....lovers holding hands;
lost without a care.....I smile and wonder
pictures flashing by almost alive, music playing in my head...tears in the eyes;
Something rises inside victorious;
The comfort lies in hope!
Lonliess creeps in; clouding the mind,
Fear and mistrust combine....anger bubbles, rage uncontrollable.
Damn gotta start all over again.
Clear air, warm sun, green grass.....lovers holding hands;
lost without a care.....I smile and wonder
pictures flashing by almost alive, music playing in my head...tears in the eyes;
Something rises inside victorious;
The comfort lies in hope!
Temples.
My first visit to a temple here and the second in this year. Somehow i havent been inclined to go to a temple and pray for a long time. I know it gives a calming effect and restores faith in everything good. Yet, i refuse to take the rituals and customs into my stride. religion as I believe is something tailor made for every individual and one lives by that set of ideas and beliefs. I cannot stand the strong crowds and the mess, most famous Indian temples are associated with. For me it is a place for silence and solitude to gain a new perspective on things and derive strength. (I love the majestic churches for that)
However this was a different experience. Maybe because it was a temple in a foregin land. Something of a rare sight that makes one feel and smell the things back home. See similar people around, hear the known chantings, music and doing the same things that makes your definition of worship. Maybe it would be the same feeling attending an indian wedding here.
I personally love temple architecture and the vastness of space around its complex. Mythology, colours and traditions comes flashing by. This was a southern indian style shiva-vishnu temple. Different than the Northern temples i have visited. black deities, the carnatic renditions, meenaxi temple type structures and multiple gods i'd not heard of until now. It was divine.
However this was a different experience. Maybe because it was a temple in a foregin land. Something of a rare sight that makes one feel and smell the things back home. See similar people around, hear the known chantings, music and doing the same things that makes your definition of worship. Maybe it would be the same feeling attending an indian wedding here.
I personally love temple architecture and the vastness of space around its complex. Mythology, colours and traditions comes flashing by. This was a southern indian style shiva-vishnu temple. Different than the Northern temples i have visited. black deities, the carnatic renditions, meenaxi temple type structures and multiple gods i'd not heard of until now. It was divine.
what...
26th aug 07.
What is happiness? Its been ages since i have actually been happy. No euphoria, elation or even rapture...there is just this very passive state of feelings. I meet people and i am not exicted, just very bored. i refuse to see something extraordinary in anyone. Every minute is a struggle and every step an effort. I mean i was a happy person and i did use to be upbeat & cheery about a lot of simple things of life. I look around and see so many blogs and most of them are unhappy ones. confusion and complications...is the whole god damn humankind going into some kind of depression?
Harry potter states about " patronous"......silvery shiny agents that helps keep the darkness that sucks the life out of u away. I need some of them. I want a few happy thoughts to survive, to feel warm.
Parting thoughts. I gotta reach this stage....the light fuzzy feeling of peace u get when u think all is well in the world....when u know that things will be alright and u are sure that there is nothing to worry about. something that reminds u that u have all the potential u need to do what is right and fair.
What is happiness? Its been ages since i have actually been happy. No euphoria, elation or even rapture...there is just this very passive state of feelings. I meet people and i am not exicted, just very bored. i refuse to see something extraordinary in anyone. Every minute is a struggle and every step an effort. I mean i was a happy person and i did use to be upbeat & cheery about a lot of simple things of life. I look around and see so many blogs and most of them are unhappy ones. confusion and complications...is the whole god damn humankind going into some kind of depression?
Harry potter states about " patronous"......silvery shiny agents that helps keep the darkness that sucks the life out of u away. I need some of them. I want a few happy thoughts to survive, to feel warm.
Parting thoughts. I gotta reach this stage....the light fuzzy feeling of peace u get when u think all is well in the world....when u know that things will be alright and u are sure that there is nothing to worry about. something that reminds u that u have all the potential u need to do what is right and fair.
Change.
25th aug 07.
They say "change is the only constant thing in one's life" . how i hate this term. i dont like change. i long for the comforts of stability. but as fate has it, it clings on...like skin. There is something uncertain and ambiguous about change. It promises hope and at the same time uproots your current state of mind. I've had people come and go outta my life so frequently that i have forgotten how to say goodbyes... People as they are, good-bad-ugly grow on us...charm their way into our lives and then leave. Memories are unwanted guests and parasitic to one's pysche.
Oh but ofcourse life moves on....into nothingness!
They say "change is the only constant thing in one's life" . how i hate this term. i dont like change. i long for the comforts of stability. but as fate has it, it clings on...like skin. There is something uncertain and ambiguous about change. It promises hope and at the same time uproots your current state of mind. I've had people come and go outta my life so frequently that i have forgotten how to say goodbyes... People as they are, good-bad-ugly grow on us...charm their way into our lives and then leave. Memories are unwanted guests and parasitic to one's pysche.
Oh but ofcourse life moves on....into nothingness!
Chak de
sun 19th aug 07.
"chak de india". My first indian movie in the halls here...and the memories from back home came rushing by. the indian connection and the feeling of being connected to the outside world is something i felt so strong. I fall for a movie everytime it makes me cry. so is the case with this fantastic piece of cinema. I am still effervescent from its effects. clevery written and wonderfully executed, the characters bring alive the spirit of the game-hockey which otherwise i would have never watched. Shahrukh Khan in a 'swades' ish role is simply superb. such talent, such vision, such intelligence.
Deeply researched- the state of women in indian sports speaks so truly of the way things are. No- nonsense, no hamming, no patriotism crap..Simple message and simpler thoughts... The ability to believe, the ability to inspire, the ability to achieve.
"chak de india". My first indian movie in the halls here...and the memories from back home came rushing by. the indian connection and the feeling of being connected to the outside world is something i felt so strong. I fall for a movie everytime it makes me cry. so is the case with this fantastic piece of cinema. I am still effervescent from its effects. clevery written and wonderfully executed, the characters bring alive the spirit of the game-hockey which otherwise i would have never watched. Shahrukh Khan in a 'swades' ish role is simply superb. such talent, such vision, such intelligence.
Deeply researched- the state of women in indian sports speaks so truly of the way things are. No- nonsense, no hamming, no patriotism crap..Simple message and simpler thoughts... The ability to believe, the ability to inspire, the ability to achieve.
And so shall we live on....
sun 19th aug 07.
I wait...And I get impatient, it hurts-this anxiety...
My mind wanders to the times shared and the times we laughed, the long walks and the whisperings.
You are far far away, distanced by miles and hours...and i wait..
So how are you today? and how is the weather, please cut the crap....tell me the things i need to hear.
Answers anyone? unresolved, unspoken, unattended...questions!!
I wait...And I get impatient, it hurts-this anxiety...
My mind wanders to the times shared and the times we laughed, the long walks and the whisperings.
You are far far away, distanced by miles and hours...and i wait..
So how are you today? and how is the weather, please cut the crap....tell me the things i need to hear.
Answers anyone? unresolved, unspoken, unattended...questions!!
New home
Sat 18th aug 07.
Days are passing by. time, like sand slipping by...like a wind gushing by. I am caught up in the middle of overlapping thoughts. i am trying to multitask. I am letting things go by...Timepass has become a priority....gazing into space following it.
Another country, another place, another home....the original ME.
Days are passing by. time, like sand slipping by...like a wind gushing by. I am caught up in the middle of overlapping thoughts. i am trying to multitask. I am letting things go by...Timepass has become a priority....gazing into space following it.
Another country, another place, another home....the original ME.
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